I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
