i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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