her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were destined to go to rehab together
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
