There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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