even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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