I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
