I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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