70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
