Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
