the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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