Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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