Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
