Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
