I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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