FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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