He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
