so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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