To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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