turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
