And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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