My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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