Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
