yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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