He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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