wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
