I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
