I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
