Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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