bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
