He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
