i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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