im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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