I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
