someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
