I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
