she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
