I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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