Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize