he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
