sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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