whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
