I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
