Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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