My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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