Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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