the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
