Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize