You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my poor anus
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
