The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
