Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have surprise drugs for everyone
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
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