Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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