If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize