My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
