Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
