I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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