I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize