Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
