So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
