Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
