Cold hands, warm shart.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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