I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
