i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He shit in the fireplace
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
