Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize