I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
