I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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