she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
