sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
