I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
