Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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