If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
