dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize