Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
