Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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