I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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