Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
