dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
